If you want a dream job you're going to need a dream resume
I'm on vacation so I'm emptying my drawers a bit on you all. I found this experimental thing in my rejection files next to the poem I reposted last week. All those tears over rejections and half the places where my work got accepted are defunct now. I'm just gonna post it!
I wrote this dream resume in response to an exercise for a 2018 class, Experiments in Fiction and Poetry. I think you had to write it based on your real dreams. Then again, a lot of the class encouraged us to approach fiction as fibbing, a very freeing approach.
Anyway, I have weird dreams and excellent dream recall, so the main fib in this dream resume is like in normal resumes, where you leave out the embarrassing stuff and focus the interesting parts.
Also, like most resumes, my dream resume is out of date.
Statement of purpose #
A versatile and powerful dreamer specializing in flight, sex, and nightmares, seeks lucid dreaming situations.
- 2005 - 2010 Adept of Ceremonial Magic, Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn
- 2008 - 2018 Restoration Druid, World of Warcraft
- 2016 - 2018 Mindfulness Meditation
Maintaining ongoing certification through continuing education in birds, skiing, sex, and horror films.
1985-1988 Basic Nightmares & Hypnagogia
- My mother is on the toilet but she has no head.
- he white lumpy rocks have black hair.
- The black lumpy rocks have white hair.
- I destroy both sorts of rocks with rainbow arrows.
- Fully symmetrical scintillating Persian rugs made of clear light colors appear before my eyes.
- The power sockets have eyes made of fire and they sound like a TV turning off.
- I am picking mushrooms with my mother and the forest is full of boletes, one after another after another, each tree, each hummock, each bush reveals a perfect, delicious bolete.
1989 – 1994 Extreme Longing & Painful Awakenings
- I am back in Poland again, behind our house, where my favorite elderflower bush grows, but it is a dream and I am not there, it is a dream, it is not true.
- I have found a yellow quartz belemnite fossil and I hold it in my hand. Another and another appears, and another, but no! Yellow quartz belemnite fossils are only in Poland and I am in the New England suburbs, and this is a dream, only a dream, and I can never go back.
- I am at the lake again, and I fly over it, then I walk on the water to the shoreline. The snail who has shed its shell is on the reed in the muddy shoreline, what an extraordinary thing, a snail who has no shell, but that was years ago, that already happened, and this shoreline isn’t right, it’s only a dream, I am not really here, I can never go back.
1995 – 1997 Sex & Murder
- I accidentally have sex with my brother and turn into a pair of scissors.
- I travel through a portal into a totalitarian state where a man who looks exactly like my boyfriend is dressed entirely in black leather and attempt to shoot him with a ray-gun which only shoots a red plastic rod which sags. He orders robots to clean up homeless people from the streets. The robots process the homeless people who are tortured all day but escape and return to the streets again where they are picked up by the robots again. The man in black leather is evil and therefore magnetically charming. I have sex with him. When I awake I find my boyfriend is no longer interesting to me.
- I accidentally commit murder and attempt to hide the body in a wheat field. My brother tries to help me.
1997 - 2001 Zombies and Tsunamis
- I barely outrun zombies.
- I barely outrun tsunamis.
- I do not outrun zombies. When the zombies catch up to me I switch to another point of view, and watch them devour the body that is no longer me.
- I take a bus to outrun tsunamis.
- I turn into a bird and fly through a forest in a graveyard, weaving among the branches.
2002 – 2005 Sex Again
- I have sex with my graduate school professors, my housemates, the man I am obsessed with who doesn’t wish to have sex with me again, the man who is obsessed with me but whom I find repulsive, my best friend, zombies, and a Tantric master who feeds me poison which I transmute into nectar.
2005 – 2015 Magic and Advanced Hypnagogia
- I travel through a tunnel in the ground near the seashore and when I emerge there are multiple suns in the sky, some undergoing an eclipse.
- I walk a few inches above the water on the marshes that border the San Francisco Bay.
- Elevators move entirely too fast and never stop on my floor.
- I turn into a bird and fly.
- I do not turn into a bird and fly.
- I fly. Finally, I am flying for real, it’s not a dream, for once, finally I have the knack.
- Multidimensional symmetrical mandalas scintillate before my eyes in colors of clear light with violets beyond human vision and coordinated symphonies my mind spontaneously generates but which I can never remember.
2016 – 2018 After A Friend Tells Me Lucid Dreaming is Possible
- While I wait at Van Ness and California for the cable car, I realize that the people standing with me do not have object permanence, but come in and out of existence when I turn my attention away from them. “You do not have object permanence and this is a dream, therefore you are only my own projected aspects of myself,” I tell them. They object but I fly away to an island I immediately manifest.
- The tree and the fountain are poisoned, and I realize it is my dream, so I dip my finger in the water, purifying it and healing the tree. A thousand years later I attend the potluck of the church that worships the fountain, and notice their egg salad contains pickled beets but the beats have not stained the eggs, which is how I know I am still in a dream.
- As I climb a narrow cliffside path overlooking the ocean, gingerly grabbing precarious handholds the growing dread awakens me: this is a dream, and I don’t have to be here. Immediately I teleport to a cabin where I say to the handsome man waiting for me, “I know you are only me, but I need comfort,” and he hugs me.
- The herbalists offer me a pair of scissors which look exactly like the scissors my dad keeps giving me. I sense the quality of my consciousness is a dream, but recall how much I upset the people at the cable car, so I sneak off and fly across the fields of roses to the sea wall. I stand in the ocean and expand my size until I am so large that my head sticks out of the atmosphere and I can see the stars.